A Bedtime Nightmare Endeth

I suppose it was inevitable that this day would come.

After many years of faithful service its time is at an end.

The metal monstrosity of a queen sized bed I have slept on for 12 years is about to be put out to pasture.

Weighing a hefty amount- it takes three men to move it - the black iron bed with the steel slats has been shifted from hither to yon for far too long.

It has been my main place of slumber here Spring Hill, Milton and the infamous share house, Lilley St for over a decade, but its story is older than that!

The bed originally belonged to my older sister in the late eighties. Back then it was the height of style and sported light weight wooden slats. She had it installed in her bedroom in Emerald, Western Queensland. Being an adventurous girl she quickly broke the wooden slats that held up the mattress and the fate of the bed seemed sealed. But her paramour at the time came up with a most ingenious plan. He welded steel bars to a steel frame and attached the entire massively heavy structure to the bed frame. All seemed to go well, and sister mine could be as adventurous as she liked. When she left Emerald the monstrously heavy bed was lugged back to Brisbane where it did the rounds of share houses until Sis left for Mother England.

The iron bed sat and waited in the darkness below the Parentals house for a few years, forgotten, biding its time.

In the mid nineties, I moved into Lilley Street. My old wooden single bed just didn't convey the worldliness I was trying to present to the lovely young things I attracted to my fetid basement . Somehow, I remembered Debbie's demonic metal bed, it called to me, and I knew I must have it.

And so it has followed me for 12 years. Different mattresses, a new lick of occasional paint, but the same steel frame; Herniating discs, crushing fingers and sapping the will to live of all that carry it.

But now, its end is near. GirlClumsy has ordered a new, lighter King sized bed! It will be delivered soon. The metal monster crouching in the bedroom will soon be taken away.

But the bed will have a few more victims. The delivery company offer a service; when they deliver the new bed they will remove your old bed for only $20. GirlClumsy and I almost couldn't keep a straight face when we agreed to the paltry sum. I feel sorry for the workmen who will have to remove the Steel Slumberer; $20 will not be enough their medical bills...

So, Hail, Mighty Bed! Oh, Steel Sprung Pallet! You have borne my weight for more than a decade and I, in turn have borne yours. You will be carried down the stairs in a hero's procession and you will sup on the pain of the youthful deliverymen.

Vengence shall be yours.